In some other aspects, i guess its also due to me feeling like i can't open up to anyone. I just don't feel like anyone will understand what I'm going through. (its not much) Just don't seem comfortable with talking to people.. i guess.. i haven't found someone like me yet. (whenever i think of this i remember what you said: "maybe you have to find someone who's like you" i guess that was said and implied that you weren't like me- okay whatever.)

I guess what you said had truth in it cos if you were like me you wouldn't have said that.

I think if the world were a less judgmental place i'd feel less lonely even if all the people i knew were strangers

Gonna jump into bed soon. I love the nightfall cos its the beginning of dreams and oblivion

Everything will be Okay soon

I Need to go to the beach soon.. and cycle or just hang with a nice friend or something. I need some quiet.. I need space. Thank goodness for Surf and Sweat this Sunday (: at least it's something to look forward to and enjoy although I'm gonna be running 5k and surfing 600m so it'll be pretty physically exhausting.. haha.

My mind needs a rest. I need some peace and quiet desperately and i wish someone would just understand what's going on with me now. I've been feeling So Much frustration recently i really think i might burst sometime. Nothing i've done has helped to relieve it; not making new social connections, not tying up those loose ends, not spending the time studying and keeping busy, not sleeping, not dreaming, not watching anime and enjoying it, I'm starting to feel concerned about what's happening inside. I've been sleeping more, and earlier, so i don't understand what's going on with me. I was aware there was going to be a transition.. but i guess i didn't expect it to take quite this long or tire me this much.

Anyhow, 2012 has been good to me thus far.. and i should be grateful for that no matter what other problems i may be facing right now. Its not too late to change and be positive about life.

Im just feeling quite tired right now

Do you ever feel misunderstood? Feel as though even a slight, careless turn in the wrong direction'll send things tumbling down? most of us do sometimes. I wonder if i'll ever stop being misunderstood. Maybe most people feel that way too, but don't voice it out for fear of exposing their weaknesses.

Some time back someone told me that i needed to try and be happy. (not in the sense of being close and intimate with someone but in the sense of being happy about the state of things-whatever they are) Im not talking to them anymore. It's kind of a blur how things came to an abrupt end.. but here i am. I do feel pain, but its better this way. (at least everyone including me thinks so.) For some time i tried to digest the meaning of that statement- "to try and be happy" and i realized that i didn't know what that even meant. Yes, be happy, take life one step at a time, smile, enjoy.. hmm. What else is there to do? Don't all of us do as we're told? maybe that's what i did too much of. What i should have done was to Listen to myself, to my heart in a more specific sense, think less and go with instinct. Besides, aren't our instincts the very core of our greatest desires/inclinations? I'm not used to doing what i Want to at all. I listen to everyone, take in their opinions, am ready to shape myself to fit whatever social mould or construct i know and compromise for almost anyone at any moment. Yet, around march last year, i started to do things that i'd always wanted, compromised a whole lot less to achieve those wants, (yea someone'll always be displeased with whatever i wish to do cos it doesn't agree with them) but still it didn't complete me.

So when that person mentioned "being happy", i struggled with the whole concept over again. I figured, maybe it wasn't anyone's fault that i wasn't happy. The grass always seemed greener on the other side yet when i got there it seemed just as green. Things that i had, always seemed less appealing than those that i couldn't get within my grasp. Was i the only one who was built that way, or were others similar too? when i tried appreciating things more, being "happy and fulfilled" as many would call it, i started to see how ugly the world was. It was easy to lose faith in the hope of feeling happy once again. Why should i try when the whole world doesn't? At this juncture you might be wondering, what does that have to do with feeling misunderstood?

Lets see. Being happy required me to behave like myself and feel comfortable and accepted in my environment/society. How's that ever going to happen? I'm not drawing attention to the whole sexuality view just yet. Let's just deal with slightly less intense issues first. One issue that i've never had a problem with was the way i dressed and behaved, simply because it was a simple test. From as long as i can remember, i've always wanted to filter out the flake outs vs the true ones. The way i conducted myself, combined with my own personality and behaviour served as the basic test. I'd know who the real ones were from seeing who classified me under "unconventional and queer" or who feared me 'infecting' them simply because i wasn't part of the Norm. I wouldn't have needed this test it if everyone treated each other equally. (is it too much to expect of people to treat one another equally?) I know i am an idealist and have always imagined life in a better, brighter world. Somehow living in this one remains a constant disappointment. It has taken me my teenage years to understand that i am never going to be accepted by this society. And to cut the long matter short, that makes me Unhappy. Very unhappy. How would you feel if you were an outcast everywhere you went? Love, relationships, marriages, individual rights, the need to suppress all the time? etc etc.. human relationships. They're all universal. Through my experience of traveling to different parts of the world last year and this year: Turkey, Malaysia, Maldives, Vietnam, Laos.. the reaction i get from people from each different hemisphere's the same. They expect males and females to fit comfortably into the separate spheres and go along with society's conventions and "rules". I knew i didnt/don't fit in at all, but that isn't even the main problem. Im fine with standing out as someone different. I just wished that i was Accepted. It's possible to be different and yet accepted right? Yep. Im not afraid to be myself and i don't intend to be with anyone who's ashamed to be with me and who wants to hide me from the world. Suppressing myself by myself is one thing that's difficult to deal with, but when it's coming from someone who you Thought loves you and Accepts you for who you are? if they really loved you, they wouldn't try to change you or force you to live a lie. My views on that has never changed. Hmm.

Digressing a little bit.. when you asked me if i would tell my friends that you were my gf, i said "no" because at that point in time you weren't even my gf yet. And i didn't even consider us to be Really dating cos we hadn't even gone out a lot. So i said no. But if you were my gf, then yes of course. Alright, just so we're clear. Haha.

Back now. God. I just wish people would get to know me on the basis of:

-For guys, like i was a normal girl and not give me the impression that you only talk to girls if you're interested in them or if they're appealing cos what the hey, i could be more approachable than some girly girls for all you know, which you don't because from experience (of lets say, my entire life???) guys don't get to know girls unless there's smth in for them. Something maybe Some girly girls won't understand but its smth I'm so familiar with that its Depressing.

-For girls, can you relax?? just because I'm interested to get close to you or am close to you doesn't mean I'm obsessed/in love with you/interested in getting together with you so can you please stop making me feel like I'm doing something wrong? I'm being myself. Which is.. being friendly, affectionate (you'll know that I'm affectionate with both guys and girls once I'm close to them but not if I'm not close) and much more candid. I just seem like i prefer the company of girls to guys cos from the above "guys" para you can see how guys relate to me so yea, duh. That's why i Really prefer hanging out with bisexual girls or crooked girls cos they don't draw a line between me and them implying, we're different from 'you'. I have good reason to prefer hanging out with girls haha. It's so hard to meet a nice guy who wants to be my friend for real. It's so rare that its frankly pathetic on the guys' side. Haha just continue being guys with guy interests and i think i will lose Complete faith in the male race and any of you being decent ya?

At this point in my life, I'm already so tired of being misunderstood that it might be better being alone??? Things are easier, less emotional, more efficient. And i say this with conviction.. haha.

I hope the future generation will be more accepting towards LGBT people like me. Its hard enough knowing that the only people who can truly understand how this feels are the those who're trapped in the same boat, not the ones who're pretending to be. If there is an opportunity for me to feel more hopeful about the world and of greater change, then let it be this.

Just saw my course schedule again and its so packed. Haha. I feel like i can hardly breathe even by just reading it lol. I hope things go well this sem. Wont let myself screw finals up like last sem. Could've gotten A- for math.. but i messed up. =/ gotta start planning my time properly and start working smarter. Less play and more work. My current gpa's okay only but I'm hoping to get 2nd upper honors.. hmm.. I'm so near to slipping off.. guess i better stop procrastinating and wasting time doing nothing and start putting in the work.

Maybe i've been a bit depressed lately. Sigh. But i better get up and get moving if i wanna do well for this course. Hmm and i'm still thinking if i selected the right course of study.. business feels right for me but somewhere deep down it doesn't feel like it really "fits" my personality. Haha maybe i have a split personality. Lol. For now i guess i'll just have to carry on.. [:

Okay this might be really random but sometimes (okay a lot of the time) i feel like people/my friends don't see me the way i see myself. Haha. Im not really sure why but the way they think of me isn't how i am at all! or at least how i view myself.. sigh. So complicated. Sometimes i wonder if they really know me at all. I mean, not All of them make me feel this way.. only those that've known me since young (pri sch) seem to really get me. Haha. I guess that's cos we grew up together.. there're only a handful of primary school friends who seem to really know me. And i feel grateful for them (:

Hmm i also realized that i stopped doing the things i loved ever since competition ended in J2. I stopped

1) Playing badminton (liking it)

2) Writing

3) Day dreaming

It seems like that part of me just gave up. Still not really sure why but sometimes i feel so incomplete. But whenever i do those things again, i don't really feel the same as before. The happiness doesn't feel as strong. It doesn't distract me from the pain as much as it used to. Maybe that's why i don't enjoy it as much now.. hmm. I don't know. I wish i had answers.

I think many people see me as someone who's disciplined, hardworking, strong willed, unafraid, good at expressing myself and really cheerful but i just think that that's the person i Have to be. I don't really know how to explain this. (haha see I'm actually not as expressive as people think) Hmm maybe everyone feels like this from time to time. I mean I'm sure they do. Hmm.. but i honestly don't think of myself as being all of the above most of the time. Haha.

I can actually be Very lazy, lousy at resisting temptation, so weak willed that you can't even imagine, afraid, someone who chokes on their words so much that they give up talking at all (haha you must be thinking, does she really choke on her words? maybe i just hide it well..) and so damn negative at times that getting me to think on the bright side of things would be your worst nightmare. Haha. I don't know or understand why I'm being someone that i think i have to be too. It's just normal. No one likes to reveal their weaknesses to others right? i guess that's me. I guess i didn't think too much about the whole idea of hiding our weaknesses cos the entire thing is so innate to me already.

I guess there are few in this world that i'll let my guard down to.

Hmm. Anyhow, i gotta go print out stuff and start on my work. I've been such a slacker that my playfulness is already starting to guilt trip me because i've been slacking so much that its been unhealthy. Haha.

-There you have it,

Armour Back On.

So its the CNY hols for me now while the rest of my friends are having school in NUS/NTU/SMU. Kinda sucks for em but I'm not complaining about my own situation :D hahaha. CNY has been great although i only visited relatives on the 1st day cos many of em passed away last year. Had a nice time bonding with Darius, dad's side and my mom's side. Death seems to have brought our different families together, and we "seem" closer now although nothing tangible of the sort has happened to bring us closer. I guess having a loved one taken from us made us identify with each other on a more intimate level, and caused us to think twice about "not giving a shit" about our other relatives. Haha. Haha that was put in quite a blunt manner but yeh. The idea's across (;

This CNY was really different from the other years. Things went a lot smoother than i had expected, and i guess it felt really good being able to relax and not have my guard up all the time. It wasn't as tiring as before. Hmm (: hopefully things will be able to continue this way and perhaps improve in future? i hope haha.

Anyhow, today Sabila and i crashed Shahnaz's 407 class bbq. It was held in the afternoon and all the east siders headed to Botanic Gardens together.. haha. Bought the groceries, and started the fire and all that. It was really fun (: aha most of em were from soci and psych.. haha. See what i mean? lone business student again aha. Lol just kidding.. haha. Haha but seriously, soci,comms and psych ppl are in totally different spheres from biz ppl its kinda sad. Most of my friends are in soci. Hmm.. this sem all my classmates are from biz alr. It kinda overwhelming! lol. Since orientation i've always been the lonely biz student. Haha. From og, to 407, to psy101 and even mth115, all my friends were from soci and psych. Haha. Hmm.. anyhow change is good. (:

Left the bbq at 5 and headed over to Nex to meet Renaa, Sokyi, Charlotte and Gary. Went for dinner at Ajisen and talked nonsense. Haha. Stayed there for quite awhile then headed over to Renaa's place for Ban Luck. Hahaha (blackjack) Gambled, made 40 cents. Hahaha not bad at least i didn't lose anything. Had fun laughing at nothing and crapping ard [: Left ard 1045 and just got home about 2 hours ago (: ahha.

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Lalala school/sem 2 has started, time to pull up em socks. Haha. Had fun at school today. It was probably one of the most fun days I've had in school since i entered UB in August.. hahaa. Had a long day, it was hard to get through, but i did it! Had only a few short hours of sleep before having to crawl out of bed to hit the snooze on the alarm. (torturous recurrence that takes place everyday)

The first lesson of the day was MGA201. Santa Claus (nickname given by my friend for our prof) had a very shiny bald head and a huge dent in his forehead. Haha. Went through the accounting equation.. etc. I was 10 mins late for class so when i arrived i just sat at the corner seat in the last row. Aha. It was only after 5 mins that i realized that i was sitting beside my eye candy (or ex eye candy or whatever cos she's not really my eye candy anymore hahaha and i don't have a new one-) haha how blur could i be? hmm.. well, guess its excusable cus its like Morning omg.. i've never been awake in the Morning since finals ended. Hahaha except on special days. So sure was i groggy. Okay, next part, i FORGOT her name. Couldn't congratulate myself more. Nice one Paddy, now she's gonna think you're a douchebag cus you actually had actual conversations with her before and you even know she has a boyfriend. So... you forgot her name.... okay. I need to start Remembering names SOON. Sem 2 already still behaving like a freshie hahaha can't even find water coolers ard sch (ah whatever hahaha). It's kinda nice thinking you're a freshie though.. haha everything feels so new and temporary. Haha. No idea why i like that feeling but i guess it just doesn't feel boring and mundane i guess.

So after MGA ended, me, the eye candy and two of my esl friends went for breakfast in the canteen. Was damn hungry but when i bought food i felt damn full after eating halfway. Don't know why this always happens. Haha. Anyhow, I'm just gonna refer to her as 'eye candy' although she's not my eye candy anymore cus it would just be weird if she was. Haha. Gosh, what people don't understand about an eye candy is that you don't really like them.. you just like Looking at them. Haha. Anyway, i must've been really bored to have conjured up an eye candy since i can't even remember her name much less anything else that might've been significant to know? haha. Ah whatever. She's not my eye candy anymore.

After eating, we went to my locker to drop off the ridiculously expensive MGA textbook. Followed one of my friends out for her usual smoke break. Talked about getting lucky by catching falling leaves. Talking to those guys was really entertaining. (they're all girls btw but i just refer to em as guys, aha.) Had so much time to kill that we went to popular, souperlicious, and finally settled on some benches to just nua. At 12pm, we went for ESL. Since 2 of em were in the same ESL class, eye candy and i followed em to their class to chill first while no one was inside. My class was just next door to em. Went for class shortly before it started. Found out that all of my new ESL mates were from business except for 2 lonely souls- 1 from comms and 1 from soci. Haha. For once i felt like.. boy am i not isolated anymore.. haha. In the previous sem, i was a lonely biz student. Haha. Im fine with being alone anyway.. things are a lot more efficient sometimes (:

ESL sounded stressful this sem but the class seemed to warm up to each other pretty fast. Haha. That was good i guess. Was also happy with my tutor, she seems really committed and nice (: such a rare thing to come across these days. Haha. To find someone who really believes in you. I hope i do well for ESL this sem. Last sem was a disappointing but no crying over spilt milk. Felt quite bad during ESL cus i kept forgetting people's names. We were in the same MGQ class last sem but i think i've only met em once so the names didn't quite stick. Anyhow, i felt really bad cus they just "hey paddy!"ed me enthusiastically and i just.. smiled and "what's your name again?" such an asshole. ): okay, gotta change that

Haha. After ESL we went to the canteen to snack (again) god, breaks do make you into such pigs. Haha. Got ice teh o. Felt awesome.. like caffeine flowing through my veins hahaha wtf. Okay, weird. [: went into the empty LT after that to slack with the peeps. It was quite fun cus we (okay mainly it was just me -.-) turned on music (from my iPhone yes -.--) and the mic and blasted the music in class. Haha. Doodled on the white board and played tic tac toe with Gina too. It was just.. slack. Haha. Had fun talking to her and Elaine while eye candy was out meeting her boyfieeeeee. Haha. At 330pm, Andrew Toon stepped into the room. Clean shaven, bald shiny head (again) but quite a nonchalant character, he strode to the front of the room to set up his equipment. Gina and i couldn't Accept that Andrew Toon was in fact an angmoh. Wth his name.. Andrew TOON! hahaha! anyhow, angmoh or not, mr Toon was quite good in teaching calculus. The stupid prof covered 1 out of 7 chapters of our Total syllabus for 3 months today on the 1st day of sch. It was kinda hiong. :'[ felt really tired after calc. The stuff he taught wasn't exactly easy either.. thank god i had practiced doing math in set notation last sem even when Peter Kuan said it wasn't necessary. I guess i was just used to it.. never thought it'd be the bread and butter of this sem's course or anything. Well.. a blessing in disguise (:

After MTH ended, Rachel came over to SIM! Hahaha. Surprise visit. So nice. Had a drink with her in the canteen after that and crapped some more with that girl. Funny man. Haha. Cant wait to see her again soon!!!!!!! (: left school after that and she went to the airport.

Came home, had dinner, hugged and played with my dogs, then headed to the gym. Gym was so satisfying that I'm feeling a tad bit hyper. (okay thats not the reason but yeah) Came home around 2 hours ago. Should be resting now, and i will soon since sch starts at 830am tmrw again. (and again and again) well.. so that was my day. I hope there are more days like that to come! (:

---------

On a side note, something less cheery, i've just realized that some people can be quite selfish and they may not even realize it. (this may include me too since I'm not perfect as well) Hmpf.. but it really makes me question the friendship and if one such one is really that worth it since they don't seem like they can sacrifice a little bit to make someone else happy. Ah this feeling's such a wet blanket since i think today was a pretty great day overall (: hmm.. i tend to believe/want to believe that there's good in every person and this is my greatest downfall/weakness in allowing myself to get hurt over nothing. Though it may be at my disadvantage for believing in people sometimes and getting hurt over what i thought was important but actually turned out to be Nothing.. I'm not gonna give up on humanity. Reading S.T.L made me realize that He wants me to give up on humans and people and now I'm surer than ever why its so hard to continue believing but why i must. Its complicated- but i don't expect you to uncomplicate things. Life's tough enough for everyone.. =/

I just hope one day that this "weakness" won't be a weakness but would turn into a strength that won't betray me. I hope i don't ever turn my back on people but this seems to be happening faster than i anticipated. Nonetheless, i will try. I do wish people would treat me better and with greater respect and see that i am a person too. Sometimes, i don't feel like i can forgive them for what they've done to me, and how they've wronged me. Time will change things. Hope one day they'll have a change of heart and when that time comes i'll have a change of heart too and forgive them for wronging me. And if i was in the wrong, i'd have the courage to admit to my mistakes and seek forgiveness. Hmm. For now, life goes on. Im quite happy when i don't care about anything. It feels good. Better than good.

SPLENDID.

Well, goodnight folks.

Carpe diem.

There have been days that I hoped I could rest in your arms like I used to and you'd tell me it was all going to be fine. I don't have that strength to rely on anymore.

You couldn't have been more clear about it

We were in Vientiane yesterday. The sun was super hot, although it was quite cold. Haha. Had to bring my shades everywhere. Visited several Buddha shrines, the Victory Gate of Laos.. took loads of pictures.. haha. Used the new Nikon camera, and the pictures look fabulous.. haha. (im not complimenting my own photo taking but the effects and colour's pretty awesome (: haha.) Was a little sick but luckily due to my self medication, i feel much better today. Haha. Been reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and really thinking deeply about stuff.

Slept Really early last night for the first time in ages (about 11pm haha) and woke up at 930am today. (Laos is behind Sg by an hour) Had a funny dream. It was about the past (smth that really took place so it was sorta like a recall) but after i woke up i didnt feel any sense of nostalgia or hurt.. it was as though i had understood why things were the way they were Now. Hmm.. had some time before my flight to Luang Prabang today (cos of a delay in the flight time) so = more time to think about stuff.. haha. Felt okay with everything.. came up with a theory as to why things resulted the way they did. Came to a conclusion that i may not end up happily with anyone. Felt sad about it but you cant win a fight if you're always on the losing end. Haha. Felt sad but you knw, i'll survive somehow. S.T.L made me do some soul searching.. aha, or in a way reflect more. Such a dense book. Cant believe im still reading it after so long! haha. It's difficult to absorb.. hmm..

Anyway, we're gonna be taking a river cruise down the Mekong River tmrw.. and visit Mount Fuji in Luang Prabang. Haha im not sure if its spelt correctly.. so far the trip's been really good and its only my 2nd day here. Haha. Still have 4 more days before i return to Sg. I hope the rest of the trip's just as fulfilling as the first 2 days! ahha.

Almost came face to face with a "life or death" situation today.. hahaha. Okay im kidding. But it was really kinda dangerous.. haha. I stepped on a nail and it poked right through the sole of my shoe! hahaha it went quite deep in and thankfully it didnt poke my foot! that would've been disastrous.. ahha. Hoping to get a new pair of black converses here but if i cant then i'll just look for em in Sg. Hehe. Alright then.. better end my post here. Wanna go back to the room and rest (: it's been a long day today. (: Goodnight

Didn't talk much as usual, Renaa and Shar continued their playful banter (lol don't kill me) while i enjoyed listening.. (: drank slowly and just chilled and looked at the water.. (: it felt really relaxing and good.. haha. After awhile, Charlotte came ter meet us but didn't drink. Haha. Was really hoping that she could help us finish the bottle cus both of us were hungover from the previous night's session after having had one jug of Bourbon Coke and one beer tower together. Haha. It felt really awesome but i ended up puking. Haha. It felt horrible. Haha. Hadn't puked since Charis's christmas party in 2010 so i got reminded of how horrible it feels haha. It wasn't that bad though, after i got it out of my system i was pretty alright enough to get into a cab and go home. Haha. The hard part was hiding it from my mom. Haha. Dashed straight into my room after bathing.. (which was ard 5am) and stayed in there till 12pm the "next day". Haha. These days its sorta become a habit to brood alone in my room until 4pm everyday with the curtains pulled shut and just.. silence. Haha. I guess i didn't realize that it was "brooding" until my mom asked me if i was okay. Haaha. I guess it just felt better in there. In the dark and all. It felt safe. Haha.

Anyhow, i kinda digressed from Attica.. haha. Attica was good. Downed several more drinks at the club.. taking it light after the previous episode of puking and a hangover. Haha. The R&B was great but it was really packed.. to make things worse, it rained! haha. Spoiled the mood! haha. Left Attica at ard 5am and had breakfast with them 3. Talked about silly stuff again. Came home, bathed and crashed till 2pm today. Haha. My life sounds pretty good huh.. haha. Partying so much these days that i don't even do anything productive anymore.. haha. A slacker's life.

I think I'm turning into a bat. Haha. Or owl. Whatever my mom calls it. Haha. "turning night into day".. yeah, its kinda true.. haha. =/ its 4:33am now. And I'm exhausted but i can't fall asleep. Okay.. aha that's not a fair statement.. i think its more that i didn't let myself sleep. Don't know what I'm doing sometimes. Haha. Anyhow, woke up at 2pm today, did some calculus.. felt tired after calculus.. and got ready to meet Zhu and Zhiqi for dinner at Katong. Haha. Gonna miss Zhiqi. She'll be back in July which is 6 months time ): so long.. hmm.. Met em at 7pm at Everything With Fries and talked. Haha. Was quite quiet (quieter than usual) cus was feeling quite exhausted aha (with the hectic lifestyle). Zhiqi was her usual loud self and Zhu was the same too. Haha. Created twitter for Zhiqi and called her DoubleD Zhiqi. Haha. She's owning it already. Haha. Dinner was great. Zhu left early to head back to NUS whilst Zhiqi and i walked ard. She got durian puffs from the famous Puteri Durian Puffs at Katong! and we continued to talk crap. Got to know her a lot better after JC cus there was more time aha and I'm really glad i got to know her better.. (: she's really nice (: bought contacts eye drops and then we walked to PP. Got drinks from starbucks and carls junior respectively, and chilled outside PP for awhile.. Talked about deeper stuff. Haha. Talking to people about stuff that used to hurt me a lot has made me realize that I'm past it now.. i no longer care. Talked about new year resolutions, and i didn't realize until now how empathetic Zhiqi is. Haha. It felt good feeling like someone could share my pain.

It got me thinking.. all this time i felt alone in my pain because i just didn't acknowledge the people who wanted to help. It feels all better now when i allow them to share my pain.. (: i don't feel like i did.. alone. Sometimes i still feel alone, i guess its just not as often anymore. Haha. My friends can tell that i am still/was very attached to you (S) cus of how much i cared about you. However, from 2011 i learned that sometimes its better not to care. If you leave and they come running after you, you'll know that you mean something to them that they can't afford to lose. If they let you walk though, you are way better off. And i know i am. We talked about sacrifice.. and looking back i can't believe i made you a part of my future. Sometimes when i remember, it stings. That you were such a big part of my life and you just told me that i wasn't the same person you fell in love with. And that you didn't like me as much anymore because i had changed from the person you first met. Im sorry. Haha. But how can we all stay the same? i got hurt before i met you. And that hurt changed me. It's silly that i thought you could've loved me despite Anything. Anything. I trusted you. I trusted the wrong person. It sucks that you're gonna remain a big part of me because of how long we've actually been together and what we went through together but I'm gonna try my best and forget about it. Forgetting about you will probably be one of the good things I'm doing for Me. I've done enough for you, now its time to think about me. You're not worth it. Haha. What was i thinking when i thought that i'd finally found a relationship that could last?

I guess parts of me still feels pain sometimes. But its getting better. Every, day. (:

So i'll end this post with my new year resolutions. I hardly have any so when i do, i guess its gotta be serious. (:

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS 2012!

1. be careful of who you open your heart to

2. sleep earlier!!! **

3. carpe diem

4. don't work so hard to keep things alive when other people are not trying (friendships/relationships/family)

5. be more light hearted

6. be happy (haha i really want this)

7. forget

8. be less angsty (haha i realized I'm been teeming with angst)

9. give myself a break from exhausting things

10. BE HAPPY

11. be open to change, accept it, learn to like it

12. forget about people who don't cherish you

Hmm. That's about it (:

I better head to bed already. It's 5am haha. My throat's really bad from all the drinking and i can't really breathe cus my throat's really sensitive right now. Haha. It's been a good first week of Jan. I hope the rest of the year can stay this way! gonna try not to let anything affect me and get me down because i deserve to be happy this year (:

Goodnight readers (: